Break On Through To The Other Side

I'll admit it, I want my little boy back.

I have endurance for a lot of things, but my emotional endurance is shot.  I finally shed some tears over Rowan's last regression last night, and unloaded the negative feelings, the guilt, the helplessness and the depression all over my husband.  Of course, he was, as always, an awesome listener and reminded me that I am not on this path alone.

I am making copies of every assessment ever done on the kid and bringing them to his well child visit next month.  I am asking for a referral.  I am looking for an official diagnosis.

Maybe they will label him with autism, maybe not.  I know he is "atypical."  But he is an atypical atypical kid.  He doesn't fit all the criteria for autism, but there are some red flags there.  I just know I want some help and reprieve from whatever monster this is that keeps stealing my child away from me every few months.  Just when we think we are through the worst of it, and I have watched him have what seems like an amazing breakthrough, it returns.  It's like riding a glorious wave and then finding yourself on a polluted beach when you reach the shore.  All that hard work to paddle out there, and yes, the ride was great, but what?  We're back here again?  How did that happen?  And every time he has a regression it's like he is slipping away from me.  Not only is he behaving negatively but he is clearly turning inward.  I can't figure out who he is.  I can't get close.  Hell, I can't even be fun because I am too busy playing drill sergeant and keeping him in line.

Oh, but I see glimpses.  Those impish flirty looks of those blue eyes and that delightful giggle of his.  The cute questions he asks. The HILARIOUS things he says.  The amazingly imaginative stories he tells me.  His huge capacity to give and receive love.  I know he is still there and will be back.  That is the little guy I want to see thrive.  I want more happy Rowie and less angry Rowie.

If you are reading this, I am asking that you say a prayer for our family, and for Rowan.  Pray that we can find strength to get through this tough spot, and that he can work through whatever he is stuck on.  Pray that as we embark on a journey to get a diagnosis, that we can be open minded and accepting, and that we will remember that a label will not take away the delightfulness of who he is, but will open the doors to getting him some help.

Gratitude to you.

Black and White/The Summer Bucket List

"Fool me once, shame on you.  Fool me twice, shame on me."

I fell for it again.  Rowan came out of his last backslide so beautifully that I convinced myself it wasn't going to happen again.  He is regressing with a vengeance right now. 

Regressions are hard.

Welcome back, fighting, biting, kicking, punching and screaming.  Just in time to help usher in summer.

Luckily, I recently discovered my Towanda, (avenger of all evil.)  It started with a group of sixth graders.  I just wasn't going to take their shit anymore.  I got angry, I avenged, it felt good and now I feel unstoppable.  Rowan picked a baaaaadddd time to get defiant.  I will avenge any evil this child throws at me.

One thing that has become increasingly clear over the last few weeks is that I need to take away all shades of gray.  Everything has become black and white.  Rowan is clearly looking to see where the boundaries are right now, and I am drawing them as clearly as I can.  Where I normally pick my battles, I have made everything a battle.  Say no to me?  I don't think so.  Growl at me?  Uh-UH!  Do something right after I told you not to?  Look out.  Whine?  No way.  I have become the Royal Queen Bitch in this house.  It IS possible to take EVERY toy away, did you know that?  I am amazed at how I have disentangled my emotions from this situation and so clearly can see how it needs to be done.  Exhausting?  Yes...but not as exhausting as letting him run the show.  Painful?  A little bit, but I got my eyes on the prize this time.  I will not raise a jerkface.  And since I have started this little plan, I notice Rowan still wakes up every morning and loves me.  

++++++++++++++++++++

Let's get away from the negative and focus on the good things ahead.  I survived my first year at my new job, full time and with promise of full time next year.  The last day of school felt surreal.  I normally feel grief and sadness...this is the first time I know I am coming back to the same kids.  It was a challenging year in many ways, but I am ending on a very high note, already excited for next year.  And I am SO damn lucky.  (Oh, and did I mention it's my first REAL summer off?)

So without further ado, this year's Summer Bucket List (with help from Aidan):

1. Visit every playground in Duluth
2. Sleep in the backyard
3. Movies in the park
4. Lemonade stand
5. Fishing at Hartley
6. Camping, camping and more camping
7. Pirate exhibit at the Science Museum in St. Paul
8. Teach Aidan to snorkel
9. French River and lunch and the Scenic
10. State Fair
11. Pick strawberries
12. Pick blueberries
13. Make jam
14. Make pickles
15. Ride bikes to get ice cream
16. Teach Rowan to ride the bike tagalong
17. Make homemade ice cream the old fashioned way
18. Stay and swim at the Edge
19. Timber Twister
20. Have Lynnie over for dinner
21. Lots of pontoon rides

And my personal additions:

1. Keep the garden weed free
2. Host two kickass birthday parties
3. Deep clean and organize every room in the house, including the basement
4. Make enough aprons, bags and skirts to sell somewhere.
5. Catch up with old friends.
6. Stop sleeping in: seize each day.

My hope is that by posting these here, I will stay on top of the list, and hopefully post our adventures here!