Break On Through To The Other Side

I'll admit it, I want my little boy back.

I have endurance for a lot of things, but my emotional endurance is shot.  I finally shed some tears over Rowan's last regression last night, and unloaded the negative feelings, the guilt, the helplessness and the depression all over my husband.  Of course, he was, as always, an awesome listener and reminded me that I am not on this path alone.

I am making copies of every assessment ever done on the kid and bringing them to his well child visit next month.  I am asking for a referral.  I am looking for an official diagnosis.

Maybe they will label him with autism, maybe not.  I know he is "atypical."  But he is an atypical atypical kid.  He doesn't fit all the criteria for autism, but there are some red flags there.  I just know I want some help and reprieve from whatever monster this is that keeps stealing my child away from me every few months.  Just when we think we are through the worst of it, and I have watched him have what seems like an amazing breakthrough, it returns.  It's like riding a glorious wave and then finding yourself on a polluted beach when you reach the shore.  All that hard work to paddle out there, and yes, the ride was great, but what?  We're back here again?  How did that happen?  And every time he has a regression it's like he is slipping away from me.  Not only is he behaving negatively but he is clearly turning inward.  I can't figure out who he is.  I can't get close.  Hell, I can't even be fun because I am too busy playing drill sergeant and keeping him in line.

Oh, but I see glimpses.  Those impish flirty looks of those blue eyes and that delightful giggle of his.  The cute questions he asks. The HILARIOUS things he says.  The amazingly imaginative stories he tells me.  His huge capacity to give and receive love.  I know he is still there and will be back.  That is the little guy I want to see thrive.  I want more happy Rowie and less angry Rowie.

If you are reading this, I am asking that you say a prayer for our family, and for Rowan.  Pray that we can find strength to get through this tough spot, and that he can work through whatever he is stuck on.  Pray that as we embark on a journey to get a diagnosis, that we can be open minded and accepting, and that we will remember that a label will not take away the delightfulness of who he is, but will open the doors to getting him some help.

Gratitude to you.