I Choose....

New Years comes at the wrong time of year for me.  I find it hard to reflect and renew in the middle of winter, even with the proximity of the solstice.  Spring is my time.  I find myself turning both inward and outward at the same time, reflecting on the past year and looking ahead.  This seems to be more intense this year, I think due to the Winter of Our Discontent, as I will respectfully call it.

I write freely about the successes of this past year: Rowan making strides, a family vacation, the funny stuff.  This year has been good to us in so many ways, but definitely had its own challenges.  Most of these came in the form of financial stress and work.  No doubt, my workplace was a "do more with less" kind of environment this year. Many days, I would come home barely able to function on a basic level for my family.  I probably drink more wine than I should.  I tackle insomnia nightly.

Why am I confessing this now?  Seven weeks.  Aidan counted. Seven weeks left in this school year.  It usually is a wild, hang on to your hat time of year, but I sense it is going to be crazier than usual.  I am filled with a mix of emotions - a "double dip" feeling as a friend of mine would say.  It feels EXACTLY like being at the top of a very big hill on a roller coaster: exhilaration, dread, fear, anxiety, excitement.  I realize I am at a point of choosing which of these emotions to embrace. This may not seem as easy as it sounds.  Along with the challenging environment has come a good share of negativity, negativity that I admittedly have gotten sucked in to.

I am nearing the end of our spring break, and two days ago, experienced that sort of stomach-drops-out-of-you dread.  I really forced myself to look at the "why" of the feeling.  I was able to hold my chin up as I talked myself through it for two reasons: I've made it this far, what's seven more weeks? And...some really solid accomplishments, perhaps under appreciated by Those I Wish Would Notice And Care, but I am very proud: new lessons tried and succeeded, presenting at the AEM conference, participants in art shows, winners in art contests, Empty Bowl, leaps and bounds in my use of technology this year.  It seems that somehow in my just barely keeping my head above water, I swam farther than I thought.  So on this eve before the eve before The Return, I am making a choice.  I choose celebration.  I choose fun. I choose positivity.  I know I'll be tested and The Ride might get scary, but in the end, summer will come and before you know it I'll be packing up and letting it go, faster than I can imagine.