They Are Watching....

It's been a week, people.  I've tried, I really have, but this positivity thing?  Well, it's HARD.  Stress level is high, insomnia is unrelenting, workload is unmanageable, schedule is full, and this weather...today we finally saw the sun for the first time in 435,988 days, I think.  I went into a weird place of survival in my head this week.  Numb, I guess.  I don't remember most of it, and that's with taking a day off in the middle of the week to nurse a nasty eye infection.  I am beyond exhausted and keeping my chin up and my head above water and all those other metaphors are really hard work.

As is my pattern, I take this out on those I love.  Thursday, unfortunately, it was Aidan.  I stayed after school to try to catch up, knowing he had chess club.  What I didn't know was that he had a tournament (read: later than usual.) I had to get Rowan to swimming lessons (read: his last session, where he gets his "report card.")  Somewhere in there I had to get food in them.  I ran around til 5:30 and scratched the surface of my work load.  I finally cut him off at 5:40, and actually he had just lost.  He was crushed.  I tried to be sympathetic, but was secretly relieved to be able to go.  On the way home, I found out that I had switched the kids lunches and neither of them had eaten the "main course" of their lunch: dinner problem solved!  (Another symptom of this week: can't get my shit together.) But when we got home there was the letting out of the dog, and the "I have to poops," and the finding of the swimsuit, and I can't remember what it was, but I snapped at Aidan, "WHY haven't you eaten yet??? We have to GO in 5 minutes!!"  He had some valid excuse, but I watched myself, out of body experience, roll my eyes and give a big hissy fit of a sigh.  As I did it, I thought, "Well there goes my MOTY award." and "No wonder he gives me sass, here comes a dose right now that I FULLY deserve, cause he learned it by watching me."  But he stayed calm, apologized and starting eating.  I got all teary and apologized too.  He said, "It's okay, Mom, I get it.  I've been there.  I can see that you are stressed out."

Geez, I don't deserve these guys sometimes.

We got to swimming on time, by the way.  And Rowan passed his current level.  And I really don't think Aidan is scarred for life.  But I am now counting down the days....