I Made Your Kid Cry Today...or Helping You To Not Raise a Jerkface

I made your kid cry today.

I might do it again.  I do not apologize for my actions.  I am sorry he was sad, but I am not sorry I followed through with my disciplinary action.

Let me explain myself.

Last night I had this dream, probably one of the worst ones of my life.  My little son, Rowan, was coming out of his Occupational Therapy session.  He and the OT walked toward me (well, he trotted, because that's what he does) and there was another woman with them.  I inquired who it was, and the OT informed me that it was the foster mom Rowan would be going home with.  He could no longer live with me.  I woke up, sobbing, my pillow and face wet.  He had climbed into bed with me, and I squooshed him REALLY hard.

What does this have to do with your crying child?

I KNOW that the raw feeling in that dream, that intense love, is a bond I share with all parents.  I KNOW that every parent is hopelessly in love with their child.  They are the cutest, smartest, most clever, etc.   Our common fear is losing them somehow, such a terrible thought to bear.  I sometimes find that it is important to remember that someone loves this child with that intensity in times when my, your, or other children are driving me nuts.  (My trick for remembering:  look at their eyelashes.  I don't know why that works, but it does.  Because, eyelashes.)

You would think that the eyelash/memory of strong love bond business would soften my resolve, but no, it doesn't. I think it toughens it.  Here's the thing that I think so many parents are missing right now:  it is OKAY to say NO.  It is okay to break their spirit once in a while (believe me, it will be back, more quickly than you think.)  It is okay to hold back on giving them everything they ask for.  It is okay if they cry or even get mad at you (gasp!)  I might ruffle a few feathers in the "natural parenting" crowd I mingle with, but   PARENTS:  be the adult!

I helped him by letting him cry today.  I probably helped you too.  You should try it.  Over time, your child might grow up to be:

• Considerate
• One who thinks of others before himself
• Aware of the value of hard work
• Knowing the value of making mistakes, and forgiving others for theirs
• One who does not text under the table at dinner
• Willing to share
• Willing to listen to the ideas of others
• Polite
• A loving, unselfish partner in a relationship
• A coworker who is respected for his integrity
• A person who never cuts anyone off in traffic, or shows road rage.
• Patient
• Someone who doesn't interrupt others while they are talking
• Accountablity

It is BECAUSE of that intense love that we should offer our kids the things they will need to be adults who are not selfish jerks, something as a teacher I am honestly afraid of for the generation I am teaching.  And those things are easy:  No, because I said so, that is not safe, I am talking to an adult right now you may not interrupt, you may come back to dinner when you have settled down, you may come back and play when you've said you're sorry, you're grounded, no treat tonight, I am sorry that all your other friends have that toy but if you want it you will have to earn your own money to buy it, no you don't need a cell phone, your cell phone will be taken away for a week because you were texting at the table/at school after I/your teacher told you to put it away, what is up with these grades, I stand by your teacher, you may not talk to me that way, you screwed up admit it now learn from it.  Boundaries.  Rules.  They don't come naturally to kids, they just don't.  Trust me, I am a teacher.  I know.  And really, does anyone want their child to grow up to be a jerkface?

My little son Rowan is easy to coddle with his own set of special needs and challenges.  It is harder to say no, harder not to go down the easy road.  It is something I struggle with every day, and beat myself up for my shortcomings (source of dream?)  I try to remember that because he has these extra challenges I have all the more reason to establish the boundaries.  He (and we) just have to work harder at it.  I will never let his special needs be his (or my) excuse.  And it will pay off.

Ch-ch-ch-ch-changes...

One month ago, I imagined what life would look like at this moment in my life.

I imagined Aidan, off to school, with copious amounts of stress surrounding getting him there and back.

I imagined Dan, bummed at the prospect of losing his job soon.

I imagined Rowan, an anxious wreck over being in preschool full time and having upheaval in his routine (again.)

I imagined myself, overwhelmed by the new job and changes, exhausted, no time to keep up on housework, bills, putting food on the table...and too tired to be a good parent.

Here is where I sit instead:

Aidan is off to school.  Our friends and neighbors have stepped up to help.  He is transported safely, and secure and happy in his after school care.

Dan sees the end coming, but is focused with new resolve and confidence to get his own business going. (Not to mention new gear..he is all set!)

Rowan....oh what do I say about Rowan?  Well adjusted.  Happy.  Confident.  Would I have ever believed he'd ask me to go back to preschool as I was buckling him into the car at the end of the day?  Would I ever have dreamed that we'd make a sudden and rash decision to move him and Aidan into the same room the second week of school?  Lordy, no.  But it's all happening, and it is all so very good.  And WOW does that make everything else easier.

And me?  Yes, the job is overwhelming, and many days I feel like a deer in headlights, BUT, along with it is the realization that last year I was living in a state of "meh."  I feel passion in what I am doing, and MAN, DO I EVER LOVE TEACHING ART!!!!!!  And the crazy thing is, it carries over to all the other parts of my life.  I don't know, maybe I was depressed last year, but having this new job doing what I love motivates me to be a better mom, friend, wife, person.

I feel kind of underwhelmed in my own response to all these changes.  I keep looking around, thinking, "Am I missing something here? Shouldn't I be more stressed out?"  And then I'm like, "STOOPID, enjoy this moment!  You are not running around like a crazy person like you thought you would. Stop worrying about worrying."

And then I sit back, breathe, and ride this glorious wave.  Sometimes change is just what you need.

What I Did on My Summer Vacation

*sigh*

I guess, for me, it's technically over.  I mean, we still have a couple days together, including the State Fair, but my brain has switched over.  I am in School Mode, like it or not.  From here on out, it will occupy my mind and being until June 8, 2012.

I look back on this summer as the Summer of Expecting the Unexpected.  A rainy June, a "part time" job that tied me down more than it was supposed to, a summer of scrambling for caregivers and juggling schedules, a rough start for Rowan.  It's easy to feel just an *eensy* bit disappointed in the Summer of 2011.  But then I think back to what I really did.

This summer I:

• Watched my toddler turn into a Little Boy.
• Watched as my Little Boy turned into a Big Boy.
• Smiled at LOTS of tourists (mostly unwillingly)
• Appreciated the stars.
• Was entertained by backyard musicians under the age of 8.
• Made lots of chalk pictures on the sidewalk.
• Took the training wheels off.
• Picked my share of berries.
• Drank my share of wine and beer with good friends.
• Ate a genuine Kazakhstan cuisine.
• Kept the garden weeded.
• Secretly muttered a prayer of thanks to the summer wind every time I smelled or felt it.
• Threw one kickass four year old birthday party.
• Rose to the occasion with social stories, positive redirection and creative parenting.
• Learned from the times that I didn't rise to the occasion.
• Got my share of giggles and butt-slaps from my cafe coworkers.
• Maintained and grew friendships from the last 2 years.
• Read a bunch of great books.
• Convened with bodies of water.
• Chillaxed on a pontoon.
• Ate at least a dozen s'mores.
• Shampooed a dog.
• Sewed up a storm.
• Followed my heart.

Onward we go, into a new season and a new start in many ways for the whole family.  I start a new job, Dan will self-employed in a month, Rowan will be at a new preschool.  It seems the only thing we can depend on is change, isn't it?  I can't help but feel a little bit like hiding somewhere, while simultaneously motioning that "come here" sign with my fingers while yelling "BRING IT!" to the Universe.

Here is to confidence, balance, and reflection on a Summer well spent.

The Big Decision

My 7 year old goes to the Greatest School in the World.  I mean the Greatest.  I have never seen such an amazing community of teachers, families and students who truly care for one another.  I am now faced with the decision to either 1.) Keep Aidan at North Shore or 2.) Transfer him to the school I just got hired at.  Still working on the pros and cons.  Here's what I have so far.

North Shore Pros:
Greatest School in the World
His best friend goes there
He will LOVE his second grade teacher
Will not scar him for life by changing schools (this happened to me in second grade)
Selfishly want to keep him there to stay in touch with friends and former co-workers
Secretly hope art teacher will quit so I can have her job, and wouldn't lose Aidan's spot (not likely)
Greatest School in the World

North Shore Cons:
Long drive - how to get him back and forth
Our breaks will not coincide
Not having him with me at school
Really tough class in general, kids wise

Edison Pros:
Same breaks
No transportation issues = serious convenience
Have him with me at school
Differentiated reading - the kid is a high flyer and honestly was not challenged AT ALL last year
Uniforms = no more clothing battles (a serious issue in our house...what is he, like a 15 year old girl?)
Snowflake Nordic right next door - ski dates with my son!
Spanish!

Edison Cons:
Scar him for life?
More behavior issues at Edison, tough on him?  But he is in a naughty class already and holds his own
Doesn't know a soul there
So many unknowns: will I give up a great community?  What if we don't like his teacher?
No Environmental ed.

Weigh in, people.  I think I've made up my mind one way, and then it changes.  I need your advice.

When One Door Closes...

...or reflections on the night before I leave a bunch of people and a place that I truly love.

Let my preface this by saying I've had my teaching license for 10 years.  In those ten years, I have taught in seven schools in five districts.  Laid off, re-hired, art on a cart, years of uncertainty.  The Golden Year was my year as a long term sub at North Shore Community School, where, with the right support (finally) I realized my full potential as an art teacher.  Right after being super close to just throwing in the towel.  This last year, as a special ed. para at NSCS was my first year NOT teaching in some capacity.  My friend Julie called it my "Detour For Rowan" year, which is pretty much it.  Much of what I learned this year, I was able to use to help him.  I was a better mom because of my job.  Universe, I acknowledge that.  Thanks.

Tuesday morning I accepted The Job I Have Been Looking For.  It's at Duluth Edison Charter School, full time, elementary level, and in a school that is growing - no sign of layoffs or cut time in the future.  Really though, what I need to tell is how I found out I was chosen for the job.

Monday, I was on a field trip to the Great Lakes Aquarium with 45 first graders.  I knew the call was coming that day.  Indeed, there was the message, waiting for me as we exited the Aquarium.  The kids were at the park, soon to be headed for Dairy Queen, and I was encouraged by my colleagues (including Julie) to just go to the car and make my calls.  The message left was the head of school, calling to "talk with" me about the position.  I called back, no answer.  Left a message, basically saying I was on a field trip but would do my best to answer the phone.  Then I headed to DQ to meet the bus.

My little friend that I work with has high functioning autism, and the kid is a hoot.  He was among the 45 kidlets.  At DQ, well into ice cream cones, a couple of classmates put ketchup on their ice cream.  This sent my little friend into a tizzy.  He was gagging and freaking out, and eventually, threw up in his mouth.  I took him to the bathroom to fix the problem and all was good again, except we just couldn't be inside with ice cream ketchup anymore.

We headed outside and sat at a table, admiring the signs in the area (one of my little friend's favorite things) when the phone rang and I realized it was Edison.  I asked my little friend if he thought he could stay quiet while I took the call and he nodded seriously.  He sat, little round cheeks, big brown eyes, hands folded watching me while I took the call.  It was the job offer.  I took in the information, and while doing so, noticed Julie looking at me out the window with a "What???" look.  I gave her a thumbs up and mouthed the words "I got the job!"  I didn't accept right away, but gave my email to receive more info and asked the usual questions.  As I was still talking, Julie burst out the front doors sobbing.  This caught my now calm little friend off guard and sent him into yet another tizzy.  So here I am talking to my new boss, with an emotional friend trying to calm down an autistic kid in a tizzy.  Autistic tizzies are hard.  Anyway, I quickly wrapped up my call, and when I hung up, Julie threw her arms around me and said "Congratulations!" and my little friend, without missing a beat, continued, "...to the flag of the United States of America."  Which almost made me not want to accept the job, for to give up such moments.  Sigh.  But I did.

But I do need to say, NSCS is something special.  An amazing sense of community, so much support, so much love.  I don't think it can ever be topped.  I always wanted to teach in a school like that, and I wish my new job was there.  And my one year as a teacher there helped me see all that I can be.  And as far as this year goes,  I liked being a para, I didn't love it.  Teaching art, I feel so much passion for my job.  The kids inspire me again and again.  Sometimes you just know what you were born to do, and you gotta do it.

I will miss NSCS, and I know that several of the relationships I have forged will be there for good, even if the job isn't there.  I went in, I felt the love, I spread the love.  Mission Accomplished.

(Now who is going to help me make the decision about whether to keep Aidan there, or send him to the new school?)